The Luck of the Draw

Returning champs The Don & Yanoosh are back to defend their title — the only pre-paired team this year. (Don’s attendance record suggests this may be a Christmas miracle.)

[NEW RULE] You get one shot at repeating. One. After that, even if you pull off the impossible and win again, you’re tossed into the random draw with the rest of the peasants. The goal is to prevent dynasties, collusion, and general emotional trauma.

One chance. Don’t blow it.

🃏 Blackjack Bracket Madness

Once everyone checks in, your names become playing cards — shuffled, dealt, and revealed by our CFO of Chaos, a.k.a. the Sparta Locals Financial Wizard.

The team with the highest card combo gets the top seed (besides the defending champs). Ace + King = 21, you’re golden. Two Jacks? Still good. A pair of 5s? Congratulations, you’re about to die in Round 1.

[NEW RULE] No more “hitting” for better seeds — this isn’t Vegas, and none of you can afford to lose more dignity.
Got double Aces? You can choose to count them as 2 or 12. Strategy, baby. Or as we call it around here — “guessing with confidence.”

💀 Newbies, Listen Up

If you’re new, you haven’t earned your “tour card” yet. That means you get dropped into the Schlub Pool — your cards will be a 2 or 3, and so will your partner. You’ll start at the bottom, right where you belong. Welcome to the league. Bring snacks for your climb from the gutter.

🧍‍♂️ Odd Man Roster

If we end up with an uneven number of players, our old pal Justin Case will join the lineup. He’s not real, but he’s probably better than half of you.

Here’s how it works:

• If you draw Justin Case, you get to pick a real human partner ranked below a 10.
• He’s your loaner partner for the first couple rounds.
• If you make it far enough, you’ll have to pick someone eliminated to be your forever buddy.
  It’s confusing, sure — but don’t worry, we’ll explain it again after you’ve been drinking.

⚖️ Rules of Play (a.k.a. The Boring but Necessary Stuff)

• Gates open at 2:45 PM. Draw at 3:30. Bags fly at 4:15 sharp.
• Teammates play across from each other, not diagonal (it’s cornhole, not geometry).
• Two warm-up throws per side. Don’t be that guy doing a full stretching routine.
• Spin a bag to see who goes first — fast side only.
• Throwing out of turn = DQ’d bag. Ask before you screw up.
• Trash talk is encouraged but don’t do it mid-throw — we’re not animals.
• Keep the F-bombs light. My neighbors have yet to call the cops, and I’d like to keep it that way.
• Scoreholio handles all scoring — because math is hard and trust is low.
• If a bag is teetering by the hole, let it fall naturally. Don’t be a hole snatcher.
• First to 21 wins. Double elimination. No crying.
• Keep Ron away from the music.

💩 The Shit Bowl

Lose every single game? Don’t worry, we’ve got something special for you: The Shit Bowl.
You’ll face off with your fellow failures for a chance to win the coveted Bag of Shit and the Shit Emoji Hat of Shame. Wear it proudly — you’ve earned it, champ.

Get ready, folks — the chili will be hot, the beer will be cold, and the competition will be emotionally damaging.
May the bags fly true, the music slap, and the neighbors stay blissfully unaware of the chaos within.